The Morning After – How Monkeys Hijacked My Brain pt.2

Right so where I left off was with my scotch deflowering [that sounded PG in my head]. The night went fine. At least from what I remember. Last thing I did was watch the sun rise whilst drinking a very nice old monk and coke from a coffee mug.

All mornings should start like this.

I reached home before I could get into trouble and promptly fell asleep. Now anyone who is trying to sleep off booze knows how annoying it is when you simply can’t. Normally, my phone never rings. Not even on a Saturday night when I’m sitting idly at home twiddling my thumbs waiting pathetically for someone or the other to validate my existence. But this morning, the one morning where I was glad that I am that unpopular – the one morning where, if given a handgun, I’d give the kid at Virginia Tech a complex – my phone rings. And not once, not twice but approximately 17 times. It’s like the higher-ups at Vodafone picked me as lab rat of the day because I got sample called, offered schemes, heard shitty musical tunes and just overall lost my bloody head. Apparently my mother was banging on the door [probably just checking to make sure I wasn’t raped or murdered] but having had the amount of alcohol I had, that question lay unanswered.

When I surfaced a few hours later, there seemed to be a shooting crew in my living room. Looking like five different kinds of shit isn’t my best look in front of a camera, and so I retreated back to the dim lighting and relative safety and silence of my room with approximately 5 monkeys going ape-shit in my brain [see what I did there? Clever, no?] And I am pretty sure this was after the drunken haze had lifted. Otherwise there’d be no monkeys see? There are no words to describe the excruciating pain that I experienced all day. None.

Now, for all those reading this, I beg you. I plead with you, nay, I implore you. How do you cure a hangover?

I tried the fresh lime soda – Nada.

The coffee – Zip

Enough water to fill a swimming pool – Monkeys now reduced to 3.

And finally two Crocin Pain Relief pills – HAH.

Whoever can ensure no monkeys remain in the first attempt shall be taken out for drinks by me.

An offer to take someone out for drinks right after a vivid description of a hangover. Huh.

I think I have a problem.